Sighh. It's demoralizing to hear that others are graduating soon. Fucking depressing to be in design. Many others are like going to end their lessons already. Damnit. :'( Ahh well, hearing others telling me they are going to graduate in february really deal a heavy heavy blow. So decide to give major project a miss, hoping the appeal is successful. :P But as usual, nothing goes my way. So i shall just play with my luck for one last time and pray to pass my project 3. And then fail my FYP and redo it next coming semester. While i have the time in the world after this week, i suppose i'd spend alot of time thinking of what i want to do for my FYP. One last project before i move on to degree, maybe.

Anyways i'm super low on cash now. Sobs!!! Project is sucking up my entire month's money!!! I don't have a choice but to sup out the project, and now i'm practically penniless. I pity granny. :( sighh~ I'd have to work to get money before my fyp then. :((( Enough of update


Changing of blog soon!!! Will add those i love back in Livejournal. Those who manage to know about this blog and do not have a livejournal, ask me on msn. Love to all who were there to pull me through a period. :)))) A chapter close, a chapter i don't know if i regret opening. A chapter of confusion and lies. A chapter closed.



Kelly Clarkson - Gone

What you see's not what you get
With you, there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there

Your eyes, they sparkled
That’s all changed into lies
That drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

[Chorus:]
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered, never open
Nothing matters when you're broken
That was me, whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
Cause I'm gone
Doesn’t matter what you do
It’s what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

Gone
Already gone
I'm gone

Feel like quitting course. No interest in whatever i am doing currently. I am practically slogging my ass off for nothing. Damnit. I feeel like crap doing all this. I just want to fail, and then go into SIM. But maybe not, feel like going to other polytechnic instead to try. :))) Business Information Technology, Retail Marketing...etc. So many bloody choices i could have made. Ahh Fuckit. :'( I feel like crying. I feel like giving up. But when i think of my friends going ahead taking degree while i slog for only diploma, i truly feel like a failure. Maybe i should stop bothering about certain issues. I should just go ahead with life. I shouldnt think too much and just make a fucking decision. Seriously, what am i playing at? It's not as though i can do anythinggg. I dunno. I hate to get opinions from others. :P the more this happens, the worse things get. I tend to think more than i should. Ahh that's me :))) I wish i could be like py. Sighhhh.................Anyways, it just seems to me that quitting is the best route down. Failure many ould scream. I'm just like my mom. Very alike i suppose. Haha. I wonder if i should go get my accounting certificate. Lol. If i do, aunties bound to say i'm my mommy's clone. Oh well. :( nothing bad i suppose, it's better than being like my daddy, no? =X ahh well.......I have been too tired to even do my work. But i shall be a good girl. I shall. Hopefully i can just fucking pass. If not, i'd just fuck those two oldass upside down. Nyeahh

Anyways, i am tireddd. Super drained this few days and my eyes are swollen, i think. Or at least it feels swollen. :'( but nonetheless, it was a good weekend spend with my two darlings. I miss those days so much. I would give up years of my life in return for that. I hate growing up, and i could never cope with changes. :( Enough of the negative, i just want to be happy again. :)))

Maybe i am happy, maybe i am not. I am just confused. I hate it when things get this complicated and i cannot deal with them. To put it simply, i don't know what i want. I'm feeling so fucking half hearted here, i swear i am hanging on a thin thread. I'm either waiting for the thread to snap, or i let go first. The fall is going to painful nonetheless. I'd be broken and torn anyways unless i can climb up to the thread on time. Whichever way, i feel screwed. How do i know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a oncoming train? How do i know if i'm going to end up as hurt as i would be if i freefall? I dont know. I hate being the girl i am. It's true, my wants and needs are always at odd, so much so that i always feel so fucking torn. I hate how things are when many people are included in the picture. Isn't it suppose to be a simple thing? It's just a bloody simple four letter words, why the hell so many strings are attached elsewhere? No, it can never be as simple as we want it to be. No? Sighhh, it's not that i am complacent or lazy. I just wishh life was much simplerrr.

I am tiredd. I just feel like going on a trip to Europe. Extravagantly relaxing. I can just imagine myself walking along the steet, with nice stone walls at the side, and starbucks caramel macchiato on one hand and sandwich on the other, wearing the nicest looking black trenchcoat with my favourite aldo heels. :) Figuring out my way along to the next destination, walking pass cafes and restaurants. Ahhhh, :((( wandering around aimlesssly, figuring how to get to some tourist spot. Uncertainty, yet i have everything control under my hands. Map would be all i need. Damn, life can be that simple at times when you are in a foreign land, NO? I just irk the fact that i'm not rich. Sometimes i wish i just wish i'm fucking rich. HAHA. :((((( I wish i could lead the life i dream of. It's not far fetch actually. I do not even have to be THAT rich to do all that i've mentioned. HAA!!!

After so much happening for the past half a year, i just wish for a small holiday break. i just wish things were not that difficult to begin with. I only have myself to blame, i guess. Nonetheless, let's get back to work. No matter how much it sucks it'd be the first step to my COLD HARD CASHHHHHH. Nyeah heh heh...

Ahhh weekends gonna start already. :P maybe it doesn't make a difference to me surficially, becos i don't bother going to school.. But interim is here. I am not prepared actually. I feel like just giving up, and just rest for awhile before i start SIM. Nahh this time round i'm not motivated. It feels as though i can be the kid i am once again. Good or bad, i don't know. I never could tell the difference, actually. It seems py's decision in quitting isn't a bad one. She's free now. Of workshop and drawings, and useless skills that won't be of help to her in the future. And me, still strugglling through every project. Crawling to the end. I'm only a few stone throw away. Cs said it's only like 20 weeks or less to the end of school. I wonder how true it is. It seems as though i just got into poly when i first met zh. Hmmm....*shrugs* alot have been happening really. It's scaring me how this few years just race past me without me knowing.

The amount of happening in the last half year back seems like a daze to me still. Too much happened in such a short period of time, overtaking whatever memory i have of the previous times. I tried really hard to recall the past two years, but they just seem to be deleted or archived at one side of the brain. Nothing can help me get them back. All i remember is the negative feelings towards the simple word, love. Ahh, this year really is an eye-opener i suppose. In and out and in and out of problems i go. Sheesh!!! Problems are never ending, is it? hmmm.

Sometimes i wish things were simpler for me. I wish i didn't grow up the way one man taught me to. Maybe i'm better off not having some ideas. Maybe it's dear god trying to play trick on my life. It feels as if i'm in a nightmare, where everything just zoom me past. When am i suppose to wake up? Or have i woken up? Terribly shaken, forgetting how the dream started off, only remembering the aftermath. I wonder how this dream will lead on again. I remember saying i never wanted dreams and reality to swap. I can't say i regretted, but i wish it had not. I don't really like who i am now. No looking back. I know i have to do my best in whatever i am put through. :D Life still...uh good?


God damn, i took so long to finish up one post. :P


我没有你们想象中的坚强. 却又找不到能让懦弱休息的地方

Ahh, i just found out that the train fare to sentosa is similar to the bus one. =x Okay i am slow, becos i'm too cheapskate to even try out the train. Was afraid that the amount would be crazy la, like the cablecar :P bleah. But apparently not. Nice. :P Anyways, i had a nice time at cafe delmar, until the game. =x Happy birthday to my little bitch, pearly. We wanted to buy her a cake, but decided against thinking the boyfriend would have ordered one in cafe delmar. But it didn't happen :( oh well. But she likes the present we gave her at least. :P Thought that counts baby. :P And it's been so long since i typed about what's happening to me, daily. Over that. My blog is more of a ranting space when i am overwhelmed. :)))  Yada.

Anyways, i should stoppppppp spending, like seriously. The two nightsky mac eyeliner, the jumpers, the presents, the daily expenses. I think i can forget about my macbook. :( though grandma keep encouraging me to get it. I feel guilty for spending her money like that. Why my daddy cannot be the one buying for me. =/ nvm. no complains. I should consider all this. And really work within my budget. I should. :))) I will take my money next month, and spend within it. I should. Then i'd stop eating altogether maybe. HIAKKKKK. One stone, two birds. :P good idea, no?

But yeah, i'm satisfied with my loot. I, um, don't usually spend like that. :))) I indulge when i have a little extra cash. But that explains why i never have savings. Nyeahh. Sue me!!! Nonetheless, i think i'm a sucker for macstuff. Namely, Macbook, macmakeup and of cos macdonalds. Keke. And really, i am super bad at decision making. Sue me. I am too INDECISIVE for my own good. I have nvr been good at that anyways. -.- i wish i was more gungho. just do it, kind. =/ oh well....


Enough of my randomness. Good week ahead~

I hate to admit this, but i am still the little girl i was years ago crying in the bandroom. HAHA!!! Part of me grow, part of it stays as before. Some part of me grow stronger, some part of me fade away as i grow. Yes, it defines who i am inside. But sometimes i hate myself, for being the way i am. I don't know what i portray either. There's many side of me and i end up getting confused and upset, because i feel vulnerable. Very in fact. It gets erratic when you indulge yourself in certain kind of thoughts for too long. I am no difference, the girl with strong self defense mechanisms.

I still think this year is buzzing me by like a dream or something. I dunno!!! But when dreams have it way of dragging, it usually turn nightmarish, and you feel lost. It feels as if you're in a daze, you're dreaming, right? Or is this the reality. It feels as if i would never get out of my own mess. Unless i lift myself out of EVERYTHING, leave all behind and not turn back. Courage, i lack. I hate to live life with regrets. I already have enough of them. "your personal life is a mess, love life i mean" it struck me. I know i have to do something about it. Running away from it all seems like a decent choice. Since i must live for my own. But again, i cannot be selfish. HAHA!!! Ah damn!!! Too much logic doesn't do anyone any good, really. I think too hard. I should just stop thinking, follow the little red pumping thing in me. Close my eyes, and lead on with my chin up.

Worse shit is, i am not given a bloody break by the goddamnknn school. As i expected, i failed project three. PURRFECKKK. I werve tu haf tu go bak tu sku when udders r hafing horidays. Nahh. I just have to fight it through, right? It'll all be fine. No problem at all. I should concentrate on my cores, making sure i pass them, instead of wanting to rush everything. If i have to stay back for a few more months to complete my fucking electives then that shall be my bloody fate. But at least if i am actually doing my electives, i'd be able to go to work. Maybe. I shall see where everything go. Or maybe i should just give up on everything, HAHA!!!! Yeah, quitter. :P becos if that happens, then maybe i wouldn't have to think too much about certain issues. Hmm.....but nahh, i know what i am like. I'm the kind who'd go ahead strong even when i'm gonna be exhausted. Ahh....

I hate it when i am cynical
I hate it when i am negative
I hate it when feelings are muddled/meddled






Ahh. I want the black macbook. Or should i get the macbookpro!!! :'( I don't like spending money on such items. My granny always give into me at her own expense. :( Sigh. I think i should curb all my spendings. It's not easy. But at least my phonebill will be cut off a wee bit this coming month, comparing to the previous few. Ngeahhh. I think i should go get some work done. Good day, everyone.